I keep getting my hopes up about you and you still crush me. I said I wouldn’t give up and I don’t want to, but I’m going to need you to put forth a little effort too. I get anxious, I wait around, get my hopes up, and at the end of the day, it doesn’t help my depression. Starting to get scared of keeping my hopes up about my future. When my feelings get in the way of my thinking I feel like hiding and just giving up. Idk what to do. I really wish I wasn’t alone on this, but seeing as how you’re the only one that can fix this and you’ve disappeared again, I’m lost.
And here I thought coming home would be great. My little sisters a slutty pot head, my mother is absolutely miserable, and my father is so depressed and selfish he thinks its okay to take it out on us. You know, people wonder why I’m so angry all the time and why i choose not to go out and do things, its so i can save myself from this shit. I get really tired of crying all the damn time because people like to lie to me and act like I’m stupid. I get talked to like I’m a 3 year old and people think its okay. I try to help people, and i try to be so nice to people and all it ends up getting me is nasty, fake ass people in my life. Oh everyone was just sooo excited to have me home, yeah well obviously fucking not. If all I’m going to do is get yelled at, talked to like a piece of garbage and then have people talk crap about me then why the fuck do i even bother. No one understands me, no one genuinely cares about my feelings. I’m done. I’m tired of being nice to people and biting my tongue. I don’t fucking care anymore.
I love crying. Makes me feel awesome. I give up. It’s so fucking hard for me not to just drop out of school and take the easy route. It’s not even worth it anymore. Obviously I’m too fucking stupid for this. All I want to do is help people and make them feel better, but apparently I’m not allowed to do that because i suck at taking tests and that’s all fucking college classes are. Like. Whatever. I had a fucking 3.8 gpa in high school all 4 years, it was a 4.0 in middle school and i was in “talent pool” all during elementary school. I don’t fucking understand why it’s so different now. Give me busy work. Shit. I will write papers on each chapter or something i dont even care. I am NOT a D average student. Fuck this class. Fuck psychology. Fuck college. I’m done. Why the fuck should i stress out and hate life when it’s not going to pay off.
The difference between me and you, is that I’m supportive. Not for my own benefit to keep friends, but because I genuinely care about people. I don’t do things to benefit from them, I do things to help others. I inquire about others feelings and thoughts, not for gossip, or blackmail, but because I know sometimes getting things off your chest, even the little things they may find pointless, helps them. I don’t use my friends to only talk about my day, and things pertaining to me, I actually stop and genuinely ask about theirs, not just so I don’t seem rude. I put others before myself, and even if that’s not how you do things, don’t treat us that do differently. It absolutely kills me how so many people can think you’re such a nice girl, you’re such a saint, you always do good, but they must not see what I’m able to. They must not have ever been on the opposite side of the fence where you ignore them, push them to the side, talk to everyone around you guys, but them. It hurts. It really does. Here I thought I would have made a new friend, maybe even 2, but clearly I can see where you want to draw the line. As long as they revolve around you, and YOU always have someone to fall back on, I hope you’re happy. I hope your followers can eventually see how selfish you are. How you’re not there for them when they fall and need to vent or cry because you’re too busy shoving your own thoughts down their throats without having them ask you. And THAT is what makes me a different person than you. But wait, I’m the bad, weird one here, I forgot.
It’s such a shame you tease him so, mislead him and give him hope. He wants nothing but good things from you, but secretly he doesn’t know the evil that lies inside. You think you’re a saint, you think you’re a good girl, but really, you’re not. When you step back and look at all the hurt you cause others, when you step back and see just how selfish you really are, maybe then will you be able to figure out why you’re so alone. Why you just have a few to FOLLOW you, not to guide you, or stand by your side, but to follow. They fit your little picture, the one where you wear the crown, but honey, you can stop wondering why you have enemies. When those words slip off your tongue, you can’t hear all the selfish little endeavors that lie between the gaps, but some of us can, and that’s why we don’t speak. You never take the time to consider others feelings, unless they revolve around you. How does it feel to stand alone in a crowd? For too long I’ve been here doing that, and I refuse to anymore. My name is Ashley, you can either swallow your pride and address me as so, not as “anybody”, and I’ll be there. If you choose to keep pretending like I’m not there, when we’re surrounded by our friends, then I’ll have no choice but to do the same. You’ve started a silent war, and if that’s how you’re going to play, then fine. I’ll draw my sword as you draw yours. Don’t you dare speak to me anymore. You want to pretend like I’m not there? Fine, I hope you’re ready for the same treatment.
Sucks I can’t even talk about you with everyone. You’re not exactly making it any easier right now. I hope everything is okay. For now I’ll just stop, I’ll just shut up. Guarantee it’ll make a lot of people happy. Gotta love when the ones you love make you feel bad. I’ll just have to get over it on my own, just like everything else.